Awkward Lindsey and What God Has To Say About Insecurity

My best childhood friend (who was also in my wedding and I continue to love dearly!) sent me this picture recently…

Yep…soak it in. It's fifth grade Lindsey in all her glory.

As funny as it is now to look back at old pictures of myself, this little picture brings back many memories. That girl was in a full on AWKWARD stage, that I'm afraid lasted beyond fifth grade. (Truth be told, I'm not sure it really ever ended.) If I had to sum that age up with one word, I have a feeling it would be the same word many would use to describe this phase of their lives: Insecure. 

As women especially, we deal with insecurity from a young age. I'll let you in on a few fifth grade Lindsey insecurities…

1. "Mom, can I PLEASE shave my legs now?! IT STICKS THROUGH MY PANTYHOSE AT CHURCH!" 
2. On a similar note, shout out to the dweeby boy who told me I had "peach fuzz" and needed to shave! I can't help I have brown hair, GAH!! (No that one didn't stick with me at all…*sarcasm*)
3. "Mom, why can't 'they' make bigger girl shoes?!?! I am tired of buying tennis shoes in the boy section and old lady church shoes!" (said my size-ten-shoe-in-the-fifth-grade self…)
4. "Dad, I am not good at sports! I shot the ball toward the wrong team's hoop, and I still didn't make it in!" 
5. "Mom, can you sign me up for cheernastics because I somehow missed the childhood memo that EVERYONE naturally learns how to do cartwheels, and I want to try out for cheer." 
6. "Mom, why am I my only friend who weighs over 90 pounds already?" 
7. "Mom can I get bangs?" "MOM, WHY DID YOU LET ME GET BANGS?!?!"
8. "I hope "so-and-so" notices me at the dance tonight." "Yeah. He didn't…maybe I should have worn my new ice blue eyeliner…I wish mom would just take me shopping at Limited Too already!!"
9. Guidance Counselor: "Lindsey, are you OK? You seem a bit down lately. Care to talk?" Me pondering for a minute…"Well, I am kind of frustrated my parents won't buy me Birkenstocks." (Stupid big feet)
10. "Mom, when I am talking to my friends at school, I just don't know what to do with my hands…"

Ugh I was weird! 

Now that I've let you in on a year of awkward Lindsey, I won't put you through the rest of the awkwardness in the years that followed. But, I will say this, insecurity has been an on and off battle of mine, and I believe pretty much everyone else's. 

These days, my insecurities look a bit different, although they still exist. I've struggled with MANY insecurities over the years, some funny and shallow and others deep and more extensive. 

I feel like all of my past and present insecurities came crashing down on me at once the day I became a mother. As I held you in my arms, Ivey, I felt love like I'd never known before and fear that could smother me in an instant – fear of something happening to you, fear of not measuring up as a mother, fear of simply not being enough. 

I've also struggled with insecurities in my relationship with God. From the time I was a child, I saw intimacy with God modeled in the lives of my parents and others in my life. I've struggled, like many do, with the idea that God just talks to some people more than others and that I was just not good enough, or diligent enough, or serious enough, or talented enough, or simply...enough. 

My adult insecurities tend to be more like this: 

1. "'Gentle and quiet spirit'…ugh I don't know if I can do it!"
2. "Why do I talk so much sometimes?"
3. "Will it ever get easier to be a good wife?" 
4. "Will I fail my children?"
5. "Why can't I be more organized?!"
6. "I'm only in my 20s, they won't listen to me." 
7. "Am I qualified to participate in this area of ministry??"
8. "I can't measure up to a pastor dad and Bible-teaching, author mom."
9. "What do I have to offer?"
10. "God, will you still desire to be close to me and use me somehow for your Kingdom even though I struggle, and continuously fail you?" 

I remember reading the story of Sampson once in my quiet time. I read how God marked Sampson for great things from the time he was born and desired to use Him for His glory, yet Sampson failed time and time again, eventually leading to his capture by the Philistines. But, God in His mercy used Sampson once more even in his death, which also killed many Philistines – enemies of God's people. I wondered to myself why God used Sampson rather than someone who would have been more faithful in his ministry? I asked God to give me insight (something I had not done nearly enough at the time) and continued reading in my One Year Bible for the day. The Psalm for the day was Psalm 103. Verses 13-18 seemed to jump off the page: 

"The LORD is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust. Our days on earth are like grass; like wildflowers, we bloom and die. The wind blows, and we are gone—as though we had never been here. But the love of the LORD remains forever with those who fear him. His salvation extends to the children’s children of those who are faithful to his covenant, of those who obey his commandments!"

When I read those verses, I was reminded of Paul's words in 1 Corinthians 12:9, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

If those truths don't make insecure Lindsey do a happy dance, I don't know what will! As I've begun to study scripture more in depth over the past few years, my faith has continued to grow and my insecurities and fears have continued to fade. Here is all I need to know: I'm not perfect. No one else is either. God knows that already. That's why He sent Jesus. I'll never be enough. Jesus' death was enough. I am covered in the righteousness of Christ, which makes me worthy. I have a new name. It's not a name I or others have given myself over the years, it's His name.

"So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive His mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most." Hebrews 4:16

God's grace…that's all I need.

I've lived too many years stifling my own relationship with the God of the universe choosing to live in my regrets, my sins, my insecurities, and my feelings of unworthiness. I still struggle periodically with running back to the old familiar pit of insecurity. But, I know the truth that truly sets me free in this area and every area.

God is bigger than my insecurities. 

Our church has been studying the book of Ruth recently. Today, our pastor talked about when Ruth lay at the feet of Boaz in complete vulnerability asking him to redeem her, take care of her, provide for her, and comfort her. I love this picture and the spiritual parallel for us today.

When I "come boldly before the throne of our gracious God" I come as one who has been redeemed, purchased, covered, protected, and chosen. Tell that to your insecurities and watch them crumble to the ground!

We truly do not have to live life stifled by insecurity and fear. God tramples it all under His feet, then says to us, "Come!"

Here is my challenge to you, sweet girls. See your insecurities for what they are, lies defeated by Christ. Choose to believe, even in your unbelief, that you are more than your insecurities because Christ has made you more. Cling to Him and draw close. Test Him and see if He won't reveal Himself to you more and more through His Word and prayer. Intimacy with God is not reserved for the "perfect" or "sinless." They don't exist anyways. And when you doubt these words of mine, remember Sampson the womanizer, Abraham the liar, Moses the murderer and stutterer, Rahab the prostitute, David the adulterer, Peter the impulsive, Mary (mother of Jesus) the young and unlikely, Zacchaeus the greedy tax collector, and Paul who murdered Christians, to name a few.

If God's power works best in weakness, let me be weak so He can prove strong. To quote Beth Moore, I am saying: "So long, insecurity."