Overcoming the "Mean Girl" Mentality

Dear Daughters,

I want to reinforce something your father and I tell you every day of your lives. You are beautiful, fun, unique, special, one of a kind, gifted, and made in the very image of God. He created you just the way you are and has such a special plan for your life! From the moment you each took your first breath on this earth, mommy and daddy have loved you and been forever thankful to God for you! I love seeing the creativity of the one who created each of you as I watch you grow and develop into the individuals He made you to be!

I think you are perfectly lovely and so does God.

I want you to remember that, because one day you might not believe it any more. One day, the sweet innocence I see in each of you as you rest in the fact that you are loved and valued by us and by your creator may be gone. It may not seem like enough any more.



You see, as people get older, they begin to lose their natural feelings of security in who God made them to be. They try to be someone else. They think maybe they are not really good enough–not really lovable.

There have been times in my life when I have believed that lie. In grade school, I sometimes had a hard time feeling like I fit in. All of a sudden I was taller than most of the people in my class. I had big feet, crooked teeth, and frizzy hair. I had crushes on boys who definitely didn't seem to notice me (we'll save the boy talk for another day). Friends of mine seemed to develop into their womanly bodies much quicker than I did. I felt awkward to say the least. I saw pictures of beautiful girls who seemed so happy and confident, and I wanted to be like them.

I wanted to be the most outgoing, to dress the best, to be noticed, and to feel accepted and loved by my peers. What I didn't always realize was that everyone around me wanted those same things. One thing I have learned over the years is that hurting people, hurt other people. I hate to admit that I have been guilty of talking negatively about someone else in order to make myself look better, but I have. Kids and teenagers can be mean. I could be mean. Why we felt it was necessary to put others down in order to build ourselves up I don't know. Why couldn't we simply appreciate and celebrate the differences in each other rather than try to squeeze ourselves into the same mold?

You know what else I have learned? Kids and teenagers aren't the only ones who can be mean. Those same kids grow up. Unfortunately, this is not something everyone "grows out of." We seem to go from a popularity contest in school to "keeping up with the Joneses" as adults. It suddenly becomes "important" what kind of car you drive, how big your house is, what neighborhood you live in, where your kids go to school, what kind of clothes you can afford, what kind of trips you can take, and so on. It's easy to get caught up in those things. As I have heard your father put it, we begin to compare our behind the scenes to everyone else's highlight reel. Sometimes I wonder why it's so easy to get caught in the trap of comparison. Why can't we be happy with what we have, with how God made us, and with our unique gifts and personalities?

Growing up in the church I have also seen this creep in among fellow believers. As Christ-followers, we are each meant to operate within the body in a specific and unique way. God hasn't gifted us all in the same ways. We don't all have the same stories. That's the beauty of the church. We come together as a group of imperfect people with different backgrounds and experiences and join our hearts and hands together to serve others and glorify God with our lives. We are meant to be unified, not carbon copied.

Daughters, here is my challenge to you, accept who God made you to be. You are the only you there ever was or will be! Ask God to show you the individual ways he has gifted you and operate within those giftings. Thank him for the way he made you. The reality is, we all have faults and things about us the world would say are unlovely. God can use even our weaknesses to glorify himself.

My next challenge to you is to treat others like they too are created for and loved by God. See those around you through God's eyes. Remember how we talked about "dead men" not having rights? (See previous post) You don't have the right to belittle or put down anyone else around you. You don't have the right to treat others as less important than yourself. When you walk into a room, don't focus on yourself and whether or not you feel comfortable or welcomed. Seek out those around you who are struggling to fit in or who might feel uncomfortable in that particular setting. You will never regret loving another person who isn't necessarily "fitting the mold," but you will always regret not reaching out, or worse, treating someone else like they are unlovable and unworthy of attention.

Here's a newsflash we all have to come to grips with at some point in our lives: The world does not revolve around you! It can be a hard lesson to learn. But, when we begin to realize that truth, our eyes are opened to a world of hurt around us. You never know what someone else is struggling with or going through at a particular moment. You never have the luxury of being a "mean girl." You will never be more like Christ than you are when you are loving and serving others.

"If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death–even death on a cross." Philippians 2:1-8

Daughters, it's tempting to put yourself first. It's easy to put others down in order to make yourself feel better. It's also easy to conform to the world around us instead of living out the unique calling God has placed on each of our lives. But, when those are the characteristics of your life, it's obvious your heart isn't finding security in the one who made you. Find your security and your identity not through soul-searching or personality assessments, but instead, find it in who Christ has redeemed you to be in Him! Your self-identity means nothing. Your "self" is worthless apart from Christ. Let Christ establish His identity in you and use you as an empty vessel to serve others. Let him do it through your unique personality and abilities. Let His light shine in you, and you will never cease to know the joy of discovering your identity in Christ and helping others find their identity in Him as well.

Don't be a "mean girl." Be bigger than that.

I love you more than you know,

Mom