I have a confession to make...I struggle with fear.
Now, the fear I struggle with isn't necessarily a fear of rejection, loneliness, or anything like that; it is the fear of tragedy. I don't assume I am alone in this fear, in fact, I believe it's totally natural. But, just because something is natural or normal, doesn't mean I have to let it control my life.
This past weekend, I had the privilege of attending a women's conference where Linda and Jen Barrick were the main session speakers. Jen's story is about something so tragic, being turned around and used for God's glory. The short version is, the Barrick family was hit by a drunk driver while traveling home from church one evening. Though they each were injured from the collision, Jen suffered the greatest with severe brain damage. As I listened to their story and how miraculously Jen has begun to heal when her injuries should have taken her life, I couldn't help but think how difficult it must have been to walk through this trial as a family. Jen has apparently come a long way since the accident, but she still struggles with the side effects of brain damage every day.
The most incredible part of Jen's story is, even though she has lost much of her memory and her ability to interact normally in social settings, she has not lost her faith! In fact, even during the early stages of recovery, when she didn't even know who her family members were, she knew scripture, worship songs, and how to pray and praise the Lord in the midst of her struggles. A relationship with the Lord is truly something that can not be taken away from us!
With all of that said, Linda (Jen's mom) made a couple of statements over the weekend that have not left my mind. First, she admitted at times she has struggled to accept Jen's "new normal" and instead, has wanted her to be like everyone else her age. Even though Jen seems different now, she is the perfect picture of what Christ must have meant when he said, "blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." It's obvious, listening to Jen, that she has an understanding of God and relationship with Him most of us have never known, and yet, Linda's mother's heart still struggles with wanting Jen to go back to being "normal."
Linda did go on to say God has truly worked in her heart regarding this struggle, which leads to the next statement she made that has stuck with me. While the family members were each recovering from their extensive injuries, scattered around in separate hospitals, Linda continuously reminded herself of one thing–"this life is just a dot!"
As a Christian, I know life does not end after death here on Earth. Our lives are much like a dot in comparison with eternity. If I could ever truly understand this truth, I would struggle much less with fear here on Earth.
Though my mind knows this truth, my heart still aches to think about certain things people go through in this life. I never want to know the loss of a child. I never want to know the loss of my spouse. In fact, death in general is impossible to come to grips with on this side of heaven.
I can't help but evaluate my life and my heart after hearing a story like the Barricks'. I am also reminded of a picture I have seen many times of the Earth from way out in space…
The universe is so vast and eternity is so long, yet I get completely caught up in my own little "dot." This tendency is with us from the beginning. As a child, my "dot" consisted of my toys, family, friends, and ice cream. That was about all that I cared about! On into junior high and high school, I allowed petty so-called "drama" to rule my world and often lived like adolescence would go on forever. In college, my "dot" consisted of homework, my dating relationship, friends, family, and trying to plan for my future. After marriage, I obsessed over my job and whether or not I wanted to go back to school for further education. Then I got pregnant and my focus shifted completely as we welcomed our first sweet daughter into the world. The experience of motherhood opened my eyes even more to the love of God for His children, but it also brought with it more worry, anxiety, and fear than ever before.
Currently, I fear I won't be a good enough mother and wife. I also am afraid of not realizing dreams in my heart during my life here on Earth. I fear the inevitable trials, pain, and struggles of this life. I also fear a wasted life. Sometimes, in order to cope with these deeply rooted fears, I turn my attention to much less important things. I focus on the temporal, meaningless things of this life in order to escape the rest. This may be why a stroll around Home Goods with a Starbucks in my hands is one of my favorite pastimes!
The battle is obviously in our minds. What I allow myself to focus on, is what ends up controlling my thoughts, attitudes, and actions. I have truly been challenged to continuously remind myself, "this life is just a dot." If I really understood what was ahead of me after my life on Earth ends, I'd immediately change my focus.
In many ways, though tragic, Jen's life has been simplified in that the cares of this world have no hold on her any longer. She truly gets joy from loving those around her, prayer, and praising God in the midst of her struggles. She has become uninhibited in a way I wish I could become without the tragedy that came with it.
According to scripture, our relationship with God, the souls of mankind, our service to those around us, and our prayers to the Father are all that will matter in the end. I don't want to waste my life worrying about things that don't matter, and I also don't want to waste my life fearing the unknown. The fact is, even though what is to come in this earthly life is completely unknown, the most important thing in my life is certain! I know where I will spend eternity and who I will spend it with. That should bring me more joy and confidence as I walk through this life than anything else!
With the help of the Holy Spirit within me, I can trust God with my loved ones. I know He loves them more than even I do, and his plan is good and perfect. Our lives are meant to bring God glory. That's it! While I do pray for the safety and health of my family, I also can take comfort in the fact that this life is not all there is. It is not the end. It's a dot!
Our earthly bodies will age, die, and decay. People will come in and out of our lives over the years. "Home" for us may look different over the course of our lives. But, one thing stays the same in this life and the next, and that is our relationship with the Lord. It's the truest reality we can ever know in this life. It's the only constant. It is the truest truth there is, and if I allow myself to let that be my focus, I believe not only will I trample fear underneath my feet, but I will live a victorious earthly life as I prepare for my true home in heaven!
There will always be things fighting for my attention. There will always be laundry to do, meals to cook, trials to endure, hardships to face, but the important thing is, all of that is not the extent of all there is! May I live, parent, love, serve, work, pray, and hope like there is more after the last tomorrow I ever know of this world. May eternity shape my perspective, my motives, my thoughts, my actions, and my heart as I walk through this life. May I find joy in the hope of heaven, and peace as I wait patiently for the day I will see with my eyes what I have come to know in my heart.
"Then the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of their father. He who has ears, let him hear." Matthew 13:43
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